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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29675808">Repression Without a Cause</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArsenicTardigrade/pseuds/ArsenicTardigrade'>ArsenicTardigrade</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Closeted, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Repression, Trans, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:28:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,164</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29675808</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArsenicTardigrade/pseuds/ArsenicTardigrade</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Will is a man who is deeply ashamed to call himself as such. He is a female to male trans person who does his best to keep this hidden from the world. It took him years to accept that transitioning was a viable option, and even now he feels ashamed, despite the fact that he looks truly male.<br/>Teo is a very gentle girl who loves Will more than anything. She is a trans woman and while she understands what Will is going through, she has long since accepted her fate. Will loves her too, but keeps his distance, slowly assuring he will turn into an empty husk of a person. But Teo knows Will better than he would like to admit, and she knows just how to comfort him when he seems inconsolable.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Original Character(s)/Original Character(s), Original Female Character/Original Male Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Repression Without a Cause</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Will and Teo are close friends who regularly visit each other's apartments. Both are 24 years old. Will is on testosterone, Teo is on AAs/E.</p><p>This is my first work, feedback is appreciated.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Will drops his keys onto the counter as he comes home from work. He seems very tired, his face gains a new crease each week from the stress. He locks the door, takes off his shoes, belt, and jacket, and lies on his couch, letting his body go completely limp. He recognizes that he is home, but his body feels out of touch with his surroundings. He lets his mouth be slightly ajar as he stares at his knees, thinking. This is normal for Will, and he knows there's not much he can do to fix this- at least that's what he tells himself.<br/>
He places a hand on his chest and keeps his lifeless gaze as he mumbled "I am a girl, I am always a girl" to himself. He repeats this, sometimes saying his true name, as he slowly slides along his couch until he is laying on his back. Trans suppression- you'd think it would stop after someone actually transitions, but for some poor souls, it never goes away.<br/>
Will is a very talented man. A brilliant, kind-hearted, and honest man. But these qualities mean nothing if one genuinely sees no future for themselves because of their immeasurable pain. He can commit to anything, but he has no desire to do so. He's majoring in computer science, always had a knack for it, but he only does it because he knows he excels in any subject he studies. He wants a well paying job but has no desire to spend the money. His goals are simple- be warm, eat well enough, work harder than anyone else, look like a real man, and then kill himself before he turns 35. Is there a reason? Maybe, but sometimes it's simply the pain caused by merely being a transsexual. Basic human needs become increasingly difficult to meet, and being trans is a long and lonely path, even if it is the right one. And more simply, some people can never get over the fact that they are trans because nobody wants to be trans anyway.</p><p>He continues this routine of repression for a while. Standing naked in front of a mirror, telling himself he is a girl, and on bad days he'll masturbate to his own image just to force himself to accept it as it is. It's a fruitless and harmful cycle, but he doesn't mind. He's very resilient to the point that he accepts the worst situations because he knows he won't complain. Thinks he needs to "man up" and accept that he is not a man- you could write a comedy about this. Today is not a good day, but not the worst, so he keeps himself limited to crying on his couch. He's a silent crier, you'd only notice if you asked him to talk.</p><p>There is only one thing that interrupts this cycle, and that is the love of his life. He hasn't kissed her, but he hasn't loved someone as much as he loves her. She's also trans, and this by itself keeps his thoughts in check because he does not think ill of her because she's trans. But what prevents him from denying his feelings all together is how sweet and patient she is, especially when he's in this state of mind. Sometimes he'll ignore her just to further his repression, but a man can only ignore a cute girl for so long.</p><p>After some time passes, who knows how long he's been lying on this couch like a loser, his phone rings from his jacket pocket, which is lying on the floor. He lets it ring the first time, but it rings again a few moments later so he knows it's Teo trying to bother him. He sits up and wipes his nose with the back of his hand and goes to grab his phone. He picks up the phone and before he can even talk, Teo starts talking.</p><p>"Hey, I'm coming over to bring you a smoothie, it's got that lemon shit you like-"<br/>
He interrupts her, "You don't need to, I already had lunch"<br/>
"Then save it for later, I already have it and I don't like lemon"<br/>
"Alright." He sounds more dismissive than intended.</p><p>There's some background noise on Teo's end of the line- Will assumes she's going to be at his complex any minute and looks out the window for her car as she awkwardly laughs at his tone.<br/>
"Are you doing okay over there?" She's lighthearted, but still noticeably concerned.</p><p>Will shrugs as if she could see him. "I could be worse, could be a lot better"<br/>
"So you feel pretty bad?"<br/>
"I'm still alive, it's just the usual."<br/>
She speaks more directly, "That's not what I asked", she then softens her tone "Do you feel pretty crappy right now, Will?"</p><p>He nods and says "Yeah" as he watches her pull into view. He's known her for over 5 years and still feels tense telling her that he's dysphoric. He hangs up and waits for her.</p><p>- - - - - -</p><p>A few moments pass and his door opens, Teo enters with the mentioned smoothie in one hand and her car keys in the other. She sets her keys next to his and hands him the smoothie, "You look tired honey." He gives a weak smile, she usually calls him honeybun or something sweet like that when he's upset. His smile fades and he takes a sip of the smoothie, standing quite stiffly.</p><p>"I am. Thanks for the snack." He watches as she goes to sit on his couch, he sits to her right. It's also the only place to sit, so not much of a choice.</p><p>She keeps her hands on her lap and tried to maintain eye contact, Will does not.<br/>
"How are you really feeling? You look too depressed to just be tired"<br/>
He keeps his eyes on his drink. "Dysphoric. Repressing it, same old. I'll be fine, always have" He smiles, it's not convincing.</p><p>Teo has a very sweet voice; she sounds more concerned than what Will is used to, "Will, I know you'll survive. But it's important that you feel good while you're still here. You're actively making your life worse."<br/>
Will stops her, "I'm making my life better. Functionally, I am just fine. I still work, I still study, and I'm trying to be normal. It doesn't matter how I feel about my sex, it won't change-"<br/>
Teo interrupts more abruptly "It does matter, Will. Transitioning isn't denying your sex, it's coping with what you have."</p><p>Will puts down his drink and looks over at her. It's now more noticeable that he has been crying and is about to cry again, but he keeps a straight face. "I don't want to be a fucking tranny. I can live as a woman, I'm just too much of a pussy to do it-"<br/>
"Why?"<br/>
"Why am I too much of a pussy to- ?"<br/>
She almost rolls her eyes "No, I mean why do you want to live as a woman if it hurts so much?"<br/>
"Because I'd be delusional to deny my sex."<br/>
She glares at him, "You don't fit the definition of the delusional and you know that. What is the reason?"</p><p>He sets down his drink and places his hands on his knees. "I don't know. I just don't want to be a tranny."<br/>
"No one does, I certainly don't. But why deny your own treatment?"<br/>
He starts to cry and tries to not sound angry, but he does anyway. "I don't fucking know" He's not angry with her, it's just easy to be angry after being under so much stress.</p><p>Will quickly wipes his tears away and grimaces, seemingly upset that he let himself cry. Teo moves closer and places her right hand ever so gently onto his shoulder, letting her fingertips barely grace his neck. They sit like this for a minute or two, both silent. Teo moves her hand up to his neck and moves her hands through his hair. He becomes less tense but starts crying more, slowly descending into a steady sob and she brushes his hair. She sighs, not annoyed by any means, but saddened that he is as upset as he is. She moves closer and speaks very softly.</p><p>"You're not delusional. We can't change our chromosomes, but you deserve to be happy," She starts stroking his hand slowly, trying to soothe him. "Most people do not think about your chromosomes when they see you. And you aren't denying they exist, you're bettering your body and your life. I know you can survive, you're quite a strong man. But what's the use? Be a woman for who? You transitioned for good, honest reasons. You have gender dysphoria, it's all you can do. You've tried other options. If you're so dedicated to the truth, can't you accept that this endless cycle of repression isn't helping?"</p><p>Will holds onto Teo's hand firmly but he still shakes in place. He nods and continues to cry, but he at least seems more relaxed. She leans on his shoulder, removing her right hand from his neck and instead wraps it around his arm. Will takes a deep breath and finally speaks again, "I just wish I could stop it. It's- it is so hard to not feel like a freak. Like I'm going to regret ever acknowledging my dysphoria."</p><p>She nods, "I know, I know. I've been there. It takes a long time. But you just have to admit that repression isn't helping first. Transitioning is for your health. Don't suppress that."<br/>
"Okay." He sniffles, slowly coming down from the sobbing, but he still shakes and keeps an empty gaze. Teo notices, being the attentive girl she is and puts more of her weight onto Will.</p><p>"You're a man to me, Will. Always will be. There's not much you can do right now, try to relax. Lie down if you need to."<br/>
Will looks back over at her and asks, "Do you mind lying with me?" which is promptly met with Teo's cute smile as she pulls him down next to her. It's a small couch, but they stay close to each other. They've always been quite comfortable being 'touchy' with each other, but this is the first time they've actually cuddled. They lie face to face, but Will hides his face in her messy black hair, slowly calming down. It's a sweet sight, they both keep their arms wrapped around each other as the apartment goes silent. Will is more excited than he would like to admit, but he stays quiet. They lie together for a good ten minutes, Will occasionally stroking Teo's hair while she strokes his back. Teo is the first to break the silence.</p><p>"I love you" It's not the first time this has been said.<br/>
Will doesn't respond for a second but eventually spits out an "I love you too", before pausing and saying much quieter, "I really love you, Teo." They both go silent.</p><p>Will looks right at Teo, not immediately sure of what to do. It's not necessarily a confession, but it doesn't take a genius to know what he means. She blushes and it's almost immediately noticeable because of how pale she is. He looks as if she tries to say something, but clams up. Will musters up the courage to finally fucking do it. He moves some of the hair out of her face and props himself up with one of his elbows, just keeping himself a few inches above her. He doesn't hesitate to press his lips against hers, feeling the warmth radiate onto him.<br/>
He had kissed someone once when he was 16, but it was so shocking to feel someone's lips, especially when it's someone he loved for so long. As much as he wanted to deepen the kiss, he didn't want to frighten her or do too much with a first kiss. It was enough to feel her breasts against his chest and warmth against his lips. They stayed in that position until Teo needed to breathe, in which she slowly pulled away and breathed unsteadily right in his face. He kissed her forehead and pulled her close, keeping her head against his chest as he ruffled her hair.</p><p>"I love you so much," He said again and kissed the top of her head, sending her into a small fit of giggles.<br/>
"Are you feeling a little better now?" She said hopefully, trying to not sound too muffled against his chest.<br/>
Will nods, "Of course. But what you said really helped. It's important, I'm not just happy because I kissed you. I really hope to stop repressing this.."<br/>
"You can! I know you can. You were strong enough to repress, despite how painful it was. I know you can stop repressing one day. You deserve to be happy as a man," She hugged him tightly, "And I am very excited to call you my boyfriend."</p>
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